Amazing what can happen in less than a year....I look back at where I have been....and where I am today. I wrote this on my Dad's birthday last year....not quite 11 years yet....but well past ten and now I know....things DO get better. They really do. I hope you're proud of me Dad, I hope I have become at least close to the woman you had hoped I would be someday.
ten
I read this and felt it was pretty damn accurate.
"I lay in bed...resigned as the pain made it's appearance. It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must be intact, yet I gasped for air and my my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing....
I felt this pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it...."
Because it's true you know. No it doesn't get better. You just get strong enough to manage the unbearable soul crushing pain as each day goes by. I don't want to hear how strong I am anymore because I don't want to be. I have to be. I loathe it, I hate it, I despise it and being characterized or seen as such. Because truly, I'm probably the weakest person you know.
It's been ten years Daddy. I miss you. Happy Birthday.
Always your Angel
